thimbleberry thoughts

i sing of passion, led to temptation and strange realities of twisted metaphors
i, too, sing of sorrow; of long nights, idle with ponder

i sing of wine, unbridled its flavors from harsh environment
i, too, sing of rain; of constant flowing into deltas of unmade beds

i sing of silence, deafening and comforting, mangled by thought
i, too, sing of departure; detachment from land, sea, and all familiarity

I'm at a weird and transitional point in my life. I feel lost, jaded, maybe a little lonely and absent-minded. I thought it was only in high school that you're supposed to feel like an outcast. I guess I was wrong, but I think I've been wrong about a lot of things in my life, I'm only human. I expect a lot out of myself, but I am dissatisfied with myself lately. I feel sluggish and out of control. Fatigued and unfriendly. I want something. I need something. Something is desperately missing. I don't know exactly what that is I want. I thought I knew. I thought I wanted this thing that has been festering inside of me for two years. I had it for a moment, I was disappointed. Not in that moment, because I was sublimely happy. Maybe that was the bourbon. But afterwards I noticed all the flaws in it. How even with something I'd been so close to for so long-- I had forgotton what I hated so much. Even now, weeks later I'm disgusted to find that nothing has changed at all and this situation turned out very VERY similar to every other one.

Yet, at the height of all this, heh or maybe the depths of depereaux, I've acheieved some sort of self-actualization. Which is funny because I thought I'd finished finding out who 'me' is over the summer. stopped looking for me and tried to focus on living right now. Just trying to survive the everyday. Alas, theres more to me. Maybe I'm not meant for someone else. Maybe thats not in the cards. No, this isn't some 'feel bad for me I'm going to be alone the rest of my life' sort of thing. I'm actually okay with it. I have my list of things I need to do, and I don't need anyone else to do it. As a matter of fact, I can't be involved in any relationships right now, because I'm leaving. Yes, I'm leaving th country as soon as I graduate. I keep saying I'll be back in two years, but I think we all know thats not true. I will probably not return, not that I'll stay wherever I'm at. The truth is, this feeling of transience is nothing new. I don't like being committed to furniture, or friendships I'm not all that interested in anymore.

It's been happening a lot since I came back. I've abandoned relationships with people I no longer felt a connection to. People using me as someone to bitch at. And in return, I try to bitch less at other people. I got rid of people who claim to be my friend, whom never call me and I never call. Whats the point in those 'friendships' anyway? Are we trying to be polite? I don't see whats polite about it. So, in turn, I try not to be one of those 'friends' to anyone. I've forgotton people who lash out at me when they've been drinking, or hit on me when they've been drinking. In return, I vow not to do the same to my friends. Mostly, I've really flushed out the ones who are always 'busy'. If you're so God-damn busy, how come you spend so much time out with everyone else? Don't you hate those friends? The ones who you used to be good friends with and grew apart from, or you just happened to be there at the time, who now pretend you still have that relationship, but don't call you? You never really feel good enough for? That knocked out a few. But I hate those types of people. So, again, I'm going to not do that to anyone. So if you feel that I might hate you, or you might be on my list of friends I am no longer friends with? You can either, accept it and not care. Be in denial, and not do anything about it. Or call me ranting and raving. I've prefer the latter because I love drama right? Haha.

So whats that leave me? No friends? Absolutely not! It's left me a cozy circle of wonderful people I love to be around, who I think feel the same way about me. And ROOM! Room in my life and in my heart for new friendships, new oppertunities... or just for those afternoons we all love where we cna just fuck all and do absolutely nothing.

Which is precisely what I did today. Of course, after an excellent 5k breast cancer walk this morning. I'd like to thank central florida for coming out, it was amazing. Really. So all this doing nothing has left me all pink and ready to finally peel of that last layer of dead skin and start anew. I feel less stressed. Ready to begin a new life as... happy. Or happy with being a miserable irish git bird.

it's raining.

i dont feel so different, maybe a little lightheaded.

i don't like you very much do i? not anymore. you made me feel kind of used, so understand that i had to leave any affection for you behind. chemistry is a dangerous game- i expected you to be slightly different, but not so much. which is why i'm not very surprised. i know why you acted the way you did, the real reason. complete lack of care and totally self-centered thinking. you forgot? were too busy with work to say goodbye? do you actually think i believed that, for even a moment? honestly, you should have just come clean- i would have respected you more. you have no idea who you are or where you are going, i sensed that in you. you have no direction. sensitive and deep-thinking one, yes. cool and artsy, yes. honest, no.

theres a limit to feeling or someone. a friend, a lover, a family member.. anything. once certain barriers are crossed i dont think there is any sense in prodding the numb.

i'm back from holland. can you tell my mood? as i may have said before-- it was an odd sensation not really missing anything about here. i got slightly homesick for friends and music before i left, but now that i'm here i see where i've gone comepletely wrong. its funny how is takes being completely out of your environment to even start to see yourself. i'm very introspective and i understand myself much better every day. but that means some things have to change. i'm tired of waiting around for people. its easier to get things accomplished on your own and be excited about your companions and living out everyday life. stop searching for the answer to common social problems that what 2005 years have not solved? stop waiting for someone to say the right thing and say it yourself. don't expect someone to treat you with respect-- act in a way where they have no other choice. people can't see you for who you are if you don't show it everyday. whats the point in hiding your inner-most thoughts? they don't make you unique- remember you have several copies of you in china.. they have enough people for that. you're bound to run into someone exactly like you at some point. look for these people. don't try to conform to something else, or to change so you conform to nothing.. thats still conforming. you're still doing something for no real reason. stop wasting your time with people who dont care about you, there are people around you who dont, and you know that. why do we keep talking to them? seriously.. theres so much more you can do with your life.

i'm really jet-lagged.

i'm losing interest in this post.

appologies for the raving. or not.. i can be raving mad if i feel like it. what are you going to do about it?

It's been one of those crossroads type days where I'm so far away from anything I know, or recognize, or really can come into contact with... that I'm forced to sit back and reflect on my actions, and the actions of those around me. Being in another country definately has to give you a different perspective on life, especially Holland because theya re so modest and have that Calvinistic background. Americans live a life of fear, always planning for the worst.. I can walk from one end of Amsterdam to the other by myself and no one will bother me.. they may say something, but they will go away if you ignore them. Also, here there is no reason to close your blinds. No reason to close a window, what do you have to hide? Your life? Do you really need to hide the way you live, I mean its understandable if you're changing or something.. but even that self-conciousness fades.

Here I find a lot of things waning, and waxing. I'm losing interest in some things, developing a higher awareness of others, and myself. Some people I see at home (FL) who do not act in ways which--mesh--with my ways.. I still feel the need to hang out with them because they are 'friends'. But really- they aren't. They aren't at all. People who bring you down, or only talk to you when they want something from you are not your friend. I always worry that I dump my problems on people, so I stopped.. but then I got so self-concious about it that I just stopped talking altogether. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that you can't expect things out of people. You have to get it yourself, if the can't give it to you (whatever it is) than too bad for you? Or for them? A VERY VERY VERY good friend of mine recently said that he expects all people to be shit, and when they are he's not disappointed.. when they aren't (rarely) he's pleasantly surprised. Honestly, I don't find that negative. It's actually very true. You can use it with men definately, if you expect all men to be assholes, you aren't so upset when they are. Which is something I've definately experienced lately.

I can't be satisfied with half-way, well not anymore.

yeah. bring it soon. let it flood through all the houses.

its been a long weekend. being sick is just so evil. apparently it is some fancy respiratory infection and i should go to the doctor. that i should, but i'll do that when i find the time.

Porcelain doll
Your mother runs an antique shop
She takes some stuff, I take a lot
We sleep all day
Slow response
I'm feelin' like an afterthought
I guess I'm kinda lost in space
And London's okay
She don't even ask what time it is anymore
Dressed up like its World War 24

i love it when my hair is half dry when i've just gotton out of the shower, when its all messy and i'm wearing a random ex-boyfriends black tee shirt. wearing my glasses and boxers and drinking tea. thats my sexiest to me. though no one sees it, its when i feel most film noir, neo-noir, when my nails are bitches brew vampy red and i'm wearing no makeup. its so strung out and high on caffiene. thats hot.

Sugar sweet
She loves it when it hits her teeth
The river hides the carousel
In London, oh well
Coma comes
Like bullets from a candy gun
Delivers us into the sun
Of London, my love
She don't even ask what time it is anymore
Dressed up like its World War 24

i keep fading in and out of consciousness. interesting.

last night. aloha. dig it. a friend and i enjoyed ourselves among the lesser beings at the show. i'll put up a playlist when its posted, they played some new stuff that i'm not able to recognize by sound yet. i came home with a lovely red and pink aloha shirt and a stench of someone else's cigerettes that just doesn't quite go away.
---
magnet- my darlin curse

Way down here I'll prepare and
Try my best not to be scared
There's no need to insist cause
I'm too dumb to even resist

Anymore, anyhow
Anywhere you go, I will go with you

My darling curse
It's you and me versus the world
If I don't lose my nerve
And we'll get what we deserve

All this time I climb the walls
Never caved in ???
Broken heart won't restart
Whenever I'm around you in my ???

So take your time and don't be too late
Cause my best friend's already there

My darling curse
It's you and me versus the world
If I don't lose my nerve
Then we'll what we both deserve
---

its so windy out i feel like if i stick my head out the window it might fall off. it might fall off anyhow. who knows right? these trees keep whistling at me like they know. creepy windy trees. i see a bag floating by, i wonder if i was small enough if i could fit in it and fly away in my plastic world. fancy the things i would see. maybe i would settle in a pile of dead leaves, or be left to collect rainwater and grime on the city streets. who really knows where we end up anyway? is there supposed to be a plan or something. the sun is setting now and im blind to any stars that may come out tonight. this howling sound is deafening. a forsaken family of cats that i cant help. i wonder if he thinks of me. i keep looking up looking for something i will never see. what am i doing here will they be home soon. at times i can feel it acheing waiting to get out and be realized. will it ever? the birds are leaving. sign of a rough night ahead. bug on the window. never seen that kind before. im waiting for these memories to fade so i can go to sleep. its never going to be the same no matter what we do we cant fix it. were broken and done. the back of my neck is hot. it gets that way when something in my lovelife goes wrong. funny how the body works. its a hot and cold sensation- the same one you get when you go outside in the freezing night air and come into the heat. or an infection. loneliness is an infection that some of us cant seem to shake. i dont need to hear you tell me sometime soon. just wait and dont worry ive waited long enough. the sun came out from the clouds. it sees me. i wish this container wasnt empty. the bug went away to its little buglife.